Solitaire, Anyone?

Dear Dan Landers,

I have a confession to make; I'm so in love with myself that I spend a lot of money taking myself out to dinner and the movies and then if it all works out, I'd take myself to bed and then after that pass a cigarette back and forth, from my left hand to my right.

I recently met a woman who I really like but I'm afraid to get too involved with her, for fear that I'd be cheating on myself and morally, I just can't do that. . . Besides, I recently got engaged to myself and I'd hate to break it off. . .  it would upset my parents who are planning on a big wedding. What should I do?

Signed, Mr. Nar Cissist

Dear Mr. Nar Cissist,

I can sympathize with you and understand your reasons for not wanting to break off the engagement but it is something you should do if you ever want to save face with all the solo artists out there who are wishing right now, that they would have stuck it out with the band versus going out on their own.

 Or those who are in solitary confinement because they, too, thought that nobody else mattered but themselves. . . You have a disease and it's called necrophilia, oops, wrong one. . .it's called Narcissism. You are a fricking Narcissist and if you ever want to have children and make your parents proud, keep your hands to yourself, oops, remove your hands from yourself and do something else with them. . . And by the way, stay away from the reflecting pools.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, narcissism or egotism begets selfishness, carelessness and lack of compassion for others.... "Before putting yourself on a pedestal, be sure you've earned that pedestal first."

And, loneliness could be a real curse, an impediment to a happy and healthy life....If you're feeling lonely, reach out.

The Trading Traitor!!!

Dear Dan Landers,

I got a big problem and I don't know what to do about it. I have a new girlfriend, traded in my old one and I have fallen in love with her. Don't ask me how because I always thought it could not be possible.

I had gone through thirty-two girlfriends the last two years and not once did I fall in love. This time, things are different. I have been with my new girlfriend eight days already and I'm madly in love with her. I'm thinking about asking her to marry me but don't know if I could. I've heard somewhere, maybe it was on Oprah, that before a man asks a woman for her hand, he should tell her that he loves her first.

Although, I know that I'm in love with Roseanna Nicole Swift, the word Love will not come out of my mouth. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for the last four days and nothing. I stammer and stutter and then go into convulsions. Dan, do you think there's something wrong with me? What should I do?

Sincerely, Stuttering Joe

Dear Stuttering Stumbo,

It appears to me that you have been watching too many reruns of the Ozzie Osbourne Reality Show. You are becoming Ozzie. Every time you practice in front of the mirror you look like a fricking moron. That is why you're having such a problem.

First, you should comb your hair and brush your teeth. How about purchasing a little bit of make-up to cover up all those zits. When you practice in front of the mirror it is wise to look your best. And not like a member of the Living Dead or Pee Wee Herman at his bond hearing.

 Oh, and let me tell you something I hope you never, ever forget. And if you do, I'll whip your ass.

You talk of women as if they're used cars. First, you fricking recipient of the moronic plague, women aren't vehicles you test drive or trade in when you tire of them. It's no wonder to me why you have had a problem with your so-called notion of Love. You have no idea what Love means, do you? You better get your frickin' dictionary out, you frickin' idiot. If I had the time, I'd beat your ass with my wife's Chasity belt, you fricking chauvinistic pig.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Ah, Memories!

Dear Abby,

I am having such a bad time lately, as my memory is not as good as it used to be. If I remember right, I used to have such good memory. But not any more.

I hate to admit it but I had forgotten that it was my wife's birthday yesterday. I was at my girlfriend's house all day and night and when I got home this morning my wife was livid. "Had you forgotten that it was my birthday yesterday," she yelled. I felt so small.

Oh, and last week I was supposed to go take the memory test for a job with the postal service. Guess what? I had forgotten about it. There's another test scheduled next week. Do you think I should jot it down on my calender?

Signed, Forgetful Fred

Dear Forgetful

As Tony Soprano would say, "Forget about it."

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Check Mate!!!

Dear Dan  (The Man) Landers.

I know that you are a smart dude, but I bet you didn't know that if I put a penny on the first square of a chessboard and doubled the amount of pennies on each adjacent square that after covering all the squares I'd have more money than Bill Gates. What do you say about that, hmm?

Signed, Buddy Boy!

Dear Buddy Boy,

All I have to say to you, Buddy Boy, is this: Where in the hell are you going to get a chessboard the size of Alaska?

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

The Turn Around

Dearest Dan (The Man) Landers,

I am in a real dilemma and I need your advice. It seems that every time I turn around something bad happens. What should I do?

Signed  Susie

Dear Susie,

My advice is simple - stop turning around!

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Feeling Blue!

DEAR DAN LANDERS,

My name is Leroy Witherspoon. My father is black, my mother is white and I feel so blue. I guess you can say we're one heck of a patriotic family. Although we are perceived as such, I have an admission to make. I'm a bigot. I don't like blacks, don't like whites and as a matter of fact, I really don't like anybody except my girlfriend who is Eskimo. So far, I have nothing against Eskimos but I'm afraid I will after I meet my girlfriend's family. She wants to invite me to her igloo for a sit-down dinner with her mother and father but I'm afraid if I go, I'll let it on that I'm a bigot and my girlfriend's family will hate me. What do I do?

Signed, Blue

Dear Blue,

Bigotry is a form of ignorance. I'm not sure of your background except of your parent's race. I have ruled out inheriting your bigotry from your parents. Whatever the cause of your bigotry is a genuine concern and we have to get to the root of it.  So, what I want you to do is write an essay on your early childhood. I'm sure you will discover there the basis of your bigotry. Seeing it on black and white is an eye-opener.  I'm quite confident you'll see that your bigotry is baseless. Now, you will be able to meet your girlfriend's parents with confidence. And during your sit down dinner with them at their igloo, be sure you don't act like some hot ass. Just be yourself! No other need to break the ice!


P.S. For every ounce of ignorance there's an added pound of weight upon one's shoulders.

As a child, one of my favorite movies was "To Sir With Love." It helped to provide me with clearer eyes. With clearer eyes, I saw no difference in people because of color.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers - the real deal!

Genie In A Bottle

Dear Lan Danders,

My name is Swoozie Skirts and I'm one of dose alkie-halliks, whelp, that's what everybody tells me but I dunt bleave 'em. I haven't ad a dink for a hole weep now, I, um, promise.

I hid my last two bottlers of  Dack Janiels on Chris's Missus night and I dont know where I hid dem. I bin looking but no fuck,er, I mean, luck. I dink I need a think, a drink real bad dough. I wanna wait for the New Year but I don't dink I can. I'm real dirsty. What should I do?

Sincerely, Swoozie Stix

Dearest Swoozie,

I don't think you have a drinking problem so don't you worry about what anybody else is saying. You are such an eloquent writer though and I would like to hire you to fill in for my drunk secretary. I'm going to send her to Milwaukee for a month to dry out. And maybe Kentucky after that.

And, after you find your bottles of Jack, save them for the trip to my office. After you have a few good drinks you can show me your secretarial skills. I think you will do really well, especially with the free hand.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, alcoholism is a serious problem and has caused much pain and suffering for tens of thousands of families...

If you feel you have an alcohol-problem or maybe members of your family, friends or associates have shown concern towards a possible problem, please, by all means, reach out!

Believe me, life can be so much better... Live a more content and healthy life, you deserve it!