I got a big problem and I don't know what to do about it. I have a new girlfriend, traded in my old one and I have fallen in love with her. Don't ask me how because I always thought it could not be possible.
I had gone through thirty-two girlfriends the last two years and not once did I fall in love. This time, things are different. I have been with my new girlfriend eight days already and I'm madly in love with her. I'm thinking about asking her to marry me but don't know if I could. I've heard somewhere, maybe it was on Oprah, that before a man asks a woman for her hand, he should tell her that he loves her first.
Although, I know that I'm in love with Roseanna Nicole Swift, the word Love will not come out of my mouth. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for the last four days and nothing. I stammer and stutter and then go into convulsions. Dan, do you think there's something wrong with me? What should I do?
Sincerely, Stuttering Joe
Dear Stuttering Stumbo,
It appears to me that you have been watching too many reruns of the Ozzie Osbourne Reality Show. You are becoming Ozzie. Every time you practice in front of the mirror you look like a fricking moron. That is why you're having such a problem.
First, you should comb your hair and brush your teeth. How about purchasing a little bit of make-up to cover up all those zits. When you practice in front of the mirror it is wise to look your best. And not like a member of the Living Dead or Pee Wee Herman at his bond hearing.
Oh, and let me tell you something I hope you never, ever forget. And if you do, I'll whip your ass.
You talk of women as if they're used cars. First, you fricking recipient of the moronic plague, women aren't vehicles you test drive or trade in when you tire of them. It's no wonder to me why you have had a problem with your so-called notion of Love. You have no idea what Love means, do you? You better get your frickin' dictionary out, you frickin' idiot. If I had the time, I'd beat your ass with my wife's Chasity belt, you fricking chauvinistic pig.
Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers
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