Dear Dan Landers,
You know, I wouldn't even know what a dancer looked like or how fine her body was or wasn't. During the whole show, I'm glued to the feet. If the dancer doesn't strip off her shoes for me, I'd get angry and make a scene. "I paid good money to see some feet," I'd tell the bouncer as he's tossing me out the door.
Oh, and I was on a date with this lovely woman with a size six and we were at the movies when I decided to get romantic. I slowly and tenderly removed her shoes and started to go down on her feet when the lights suddenly came on.
Everybody in the theater started cheering me on and my date was so embarrassed by being the center of attention that she ran out of the building. Without her shoes. I jumped up, started to go after her but tripped over her shoes and hit my head on the back of a seat. I was rushed to the hospital and in the ambulance I tried to pull the shoes off the paramedic and she got mad and had me arrested after they sewed up my head at the hospital.
Dan, I could go and on about all my misadventures but right now, I see some fine feet walking toward me and I'm getting a hard on. My big toe is really becoming swollen and I got to take care of business before I have a heart attack or something. Oh, I was married once but I got a divorce after my wife had to have four of her toes amputated because of frostbite. She wasn't the same woman I married so I divorced the toe-less bitch. I don't mean to sound cruel but you got to understand, I'm a footman and I'm thinking about moving to the foot hills but I'd probably end up with at least, one foot in the grave. I'm really frightened. How can you help me?
Signed, Dr. Scholl
Dear Scholl,
Sometimes, in life, a lesson may be learned when you allow the shoe to be on the other foot. Try it, at least for a day, and see for yourself how uncomfortable it is.
Having a fetish like yours is extremely unhealthy and a cause for much pain and suffering. It is the second biggest contributor to divorce after the laws of alimony and fifty-percent settlements were passed by Congress.
You have a neurosis and firstly, I suggest that you go buy some really stinky foot powder and the next time you're on a date, sprinkle a bit on your date's feet. After going down on her feet a few times, you'd become reconditioned and then you would probably go after the hands instead, which is more acceptable in the Western Hemisphere. And here's another thing you could do. The next time you go to the strip joint, bring along your shoe horn. Just tell them you're horny.
Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers
Seriously, obsessive-compulsive behavior can cause a lot of problems and become an impediment to a healthy and content life. If you have OCD, you are not alone.... Reach out!
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