I'm a Firefighter and love my job and all that but I have a confession to make. I'm also a pyromaniac. I love fire . Maybe that is why I became a firefighter.
Dan, my problem is that lately I have been going to fight fires with my company and being a pyromaniac, I get really pissed when my comrades get the fire under control. Myself, I can't even squirt my hose at a fire. I often fake it. I actually get physically sick watching flames being doused into nothing but smoldering embers. Dan, it's getting worse. Two nights ago, after we responded to a three-alarm I helped to further the flames by throwing buckets of gasoline on the building. I know I am wrong but what should I do?
Signed, Seeing Red
Dear Seeing Red,
There's nothing to get all fired up about. What you have is a neurosis; eighty seven percent of the population live with some form of neurosis. I once treated a mountain climber who had acrophobia; a police officer who had a fear of donuts; a priest who had claustrophobia and was forced to live in a closet. Besides that, he was assigned the confession booth.
Mr Red, I know if your pyromania is revealed, you may be fired. I also know that you are spending a lot of money on gasoline and your wife is wondering where all the money is going. I bet you can't even make love to your wife unless you light a fire first. I bet she likes to do it in the shower but how in the hell would you be able to do that? Red, your marriage is crumbling because of your sick b.s. You are one sick, puppy, Red. You need professional help. I dare you come over to my neighborhood to fight a fire - I'll kick your ass, you bastard.
Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers - the guy who truly cares!!!!
