Ah, Memories!

Dear Abby,

I am having such a bad time lately, as my memory is not as good as it used to be. If I remember right, I used to have such good memory. But not any more.

I hate to admit it but I had forgotten that it was my wife's birthday yesterday. I was at my girlfriend's house all day and night and when I got home this morning my wife was livid. "Had you forgotten that it was my birthday yesterday," she yelled. I felt so small.

Oh, and last week I was supposed to go take the memory test for a job with the postal service. Guess what? I had forgotten about it. There's another test scheduled next week. Do you think I should jot it down on my calender?

Signed, Forgetful Fred

Dear Forgetful

As Tony Soprano would say, "Forget about it."

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Check Mate!!!

Dear Dan  (The Man) Landers.

I know that you are a smart dude, but I bet you didn't know that if I put a penny on the first square of a chessboard and doubled the amount of pennies on each adjacent square that after covering all the squares I'd have more money than Bill Gates. What do you say about that, hmm?

Signed, Buddy Boy!

Dear Buddy Boy,

All I have to say to you, Buddy Boy, is this: Where in the hell are you going to get a chessboard the size of Alaska?

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

The Turn Around

Dearest Dan (The Man) Landers,

I am in a real dilemma and I need your advice. It seems that every time I turn around something bad happens. What should I do?

Signed  Susie

Dear Susie,

My advice is simple - stop turning around!

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Feeling Blue!

DEAR DAN LANDERS,

My name is Leroy Witherspoon. My father is black, my mother is white and I feel so blue. I guess you can say we're one heck of a patriotic family. Although we are perceived as such, I have an admission to make. I'm a bigot. I don't like blacks, don't like whites and as a matter of fact, I really don't like anybody except my girlfriend who is Eskimo. So far, I have nothing against Eskimos but I'm afraid I will after I meet my girlfriend's family. She wants to invite me to her igloo for a sit-down dinner with her mother and father but I'm afraid if I go, I'll let it on that I'm a bigot and my girlfriend's family will hate me. What do I do?

Signed, Blue

Dear Blue,

Bigotry is a form of ignorance. I'm not sure of your background except of your parent's race. I have ruled out inheriting your bigotry from your parents. Whatever the cause of your bigotry is a genuine concern and we have to get to the root of it.  So, what I want you to do is write an essay on your early childhood. I'm sure you will discover there the basis of your bigotry. Seeing it on black and white is an eye-opener.  I'm quite confident you'll see that your bigotry is baseless. Now, you will be able to meet your girlfriend's parents with confidence. And during your sit down dinner with them at their igloo, be sure you don't act like some hot ass. Just be yourself! No other need to break the ice!


P.S. For every ounce of ignorance there's an added pound of weight upon one's shoulders.

As a child, one of my favorite movies was "To Sir With Love." It helped to provide me with clearer eyes. With clearer eyes, I saw no difference in people because of color.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers - the real deal!

Genie In A Bottle

Dear Lan Danders,

My name is Swoozie Skirts and I'm one of dose alkie-halliks, whelp, that's what everybody tells me but I dunt bleave 'em. I haven't ad a dink for a hole weep now, I, um, promise.

I hid my last two bottlers of  Dack Janiels on Chris's Missus night and I dont know where I hid dem. I bin looking but no fuck,er, I mean, luck. I dink I need a think, a drink real bad dough. I wanna wait for the New Year but I don't dink I can. I'm real dirsty. What should I do?

Sincerely, Swoozie Stix

Dearest Swoozie,

I don't think you have a drinking problem so don't you worry about what anybody else is saying. You are such an eloquent writer though and I would like to hire you to fill in for my drunk secretary. I'm going to send her to Milwaukee for a month to dry out. And maybe Kentucky after that.

And, after you find your bottles of Jack, save them for the trip to my office. After you have a few good drinks you can show me your secretarial skills. I think you will do really well, especially with the free hand.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, alcoholism is a serious problem and has caused much pain and suffering for tens of thousands of families...

If you feel you have an alcohol-problem or maybe members of your family, friends or associates have shown concern towards a possible problem, please, by all means, reach out!

Believe me, life can be so much better... Live a more content and healthy life, you deserve it!