Pyromania Gone Wrong!

Dear Dan Landers,

I'm a Firefighter and love my job and all that but I have a confession to make. I'm also a pyromaniac. I love fire . Maybe that is why I became a firefighter.

Dan, my problem is that lately I have been going to fight fires with my company and being a pyromaniac, I get really pissed when my comrades get the fire under control. Myself,  I can't even squirt my hose at a fire. I often fake it. I actually get physically sick watching flames being doused  into nothing but smoldering embers. Dan, it's getting worse. Two nights ago, after we responded to a three-alarm I helped to further the flames by throwing buckets of gasoline on the building. I know I am wrong but what should I do?

Signed, Seeing Red

Dear Seeing Red,

There's nothing to get all fired up about. What you have is a neurosis; eighty seven percent of the population live with some form of  neurosis. I once treated a mountain climber who had acrophobia; a police officer who had a fear of donuts; a priest who had claustrophobia and was  forced to live in a closet. Besides that, he was assigned the confession booth.

Mr Red, I know if your pyromania is revealed, you may be fired. I also know that you are spending a lot of money on gasoline and your wife is wondering where all the money is going. I bet you can't even make love to your wife unless you light a fire first. I bet she likes to do it in the shower but how in the hell would you be able to do that?  Red, your marriage is crumbling because of your sick b.s. You are one sick, puppy, Red. You need professional help.  I dare you come over to my neighborhood to fight a fire -  I'll kick your ass, you bastard.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers - the guy who truly cares!!!!

Caught With The Pants Down!

 Dear Dan Landers,

My name is Bobe Krybant and I am a member of the Lost Angel Dust Takers.  I was in Colorado recently getting a check up for a hard-on condition, er, I mean heart condition when the beautiful nurse came in the examining room to check my pulse and found me standing stark naked on the scale weighing out my options.

I was so in bare-assed, er, I mean embarrassed that I turned all red. The nurse never seeing a black man turn red thought I was having a cardiac arrest so she alarmed the entire staff with a "Code Blue."

The next thing you know everybody got to see my personal property, in which I'm not very proud of anyway. I feel if word gets out, it would harm my image and make me look more like a two-bit dribbler than the dunk-shot titan of a man they perceive me as being. What should I do?

Signed, Caught With My Pants Down


Dear Caught,

If I were you I'd change careers. Maybe you should start playing miniature golf instead.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers 

Foot Fetish!

Dear Dan Landers, 

You gotta help me. I had been to every shrink and faith healer from here to Timbuktu and I have yet to be cured of my life-threatening foot fetish. Not only that, but it's embarrassing at times, especially when I'm at the Strip joints and I can't help myself but slip my dollar bills between the toes of the dancers.

You know, I wouldn't even know what a dancer looked like or how fine her body was or wasn't. During the whole show, I'm glued to the feet. If the dancer doesn't strip off her shoes for me, I'd get angry and make a scene. "I paid good money to see some feet," I'd tell the bouncer as he's tossing me out the door.

Oh, and I was on a date with this lovely woman with a size six and we were at the movies when I decided to get romantic. I slowly and tenderly removed her shoes and started to go down on her feet when the lights suddenly came on.

Everybody in the theater started cheering me on and my date was so embarrassed by being the center of attention that she ran out of the building. Without her shoes. I jumped up, started to go after her but tripped over her shoes and hit my head on the back of a seat. I was rushed to the hospital and in the ambulance I tried to pull the shoes off the paramedic and she got mad and had me arrested after they sewed up my head at the hospital.

Dan, I could go and on about all my misadventures but right now, I see some fine feet walking toward me and I'm getting a hard on. My big toe is really becoming swollen and I got to take care of business before I have a heart attack or something. Oh, I was married once but I got a divorce after my wife had to have four of her toes amputated because of frostbite. She wasn't the same woman I married so I divorced the toe-less bitch. I don't mean to sound cruel but you got to understand, I'm a footman and I'm thinking about moving to the foot hills but I'd probably end up with at least, one foot in the grave. I'm really frightened. How can you help me?

Signed, Dr. Scholl


Dear Scholl,

Sometimes, in life, a lesson may be learned when you allow the shoe to be on the other foot. Try it, at least for a day, and see for yourself how uncomfortable it is.

Having a fetish like yours is extremely unhealthy and a cause for much pain and suffering. It is the second biggest contributor to divorce after the laws of alimony and fifty-percent settlements were passed by Congress.

You have a neurosis and firstly, I suggest that you go buy some really stinky foot powder and the next time you're on a date, sprinkle a bit on your date's feet. After going down on her feet a few times, you'd become reconditioned and then you would probably go after the hands instead, which is more acceptable in the Western Hemisphere.  And here's another thing you could do. The next time you go to the strip joint, bring along your shoe horn. Just tell them you're horny.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, obsessive-compulsive behavior can cause a lot of problems and become an impediment to a healthy and content life. If you have OCD, you are not alone.... Reach out! 

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