Pyromania Gone Wrong!

Dear Dan Landers,

I'm a Firefighter and love my job and all that but I have a confession to make. I'm also a pyromaniac. I love fire . Maybe that is why I became a firefighter.

Dan, my problem is that lately I have been going to fight fires with my company and being a pyromaniac, I get really pissed when my comrades get the fire under control. Myself,  I can't even squirt my hose at a fire. I often fake it. I actually get physically sick watching flames being doused  into nothing but smoldering embers. Dan, it's getting worse. Two nights ago, after we responded to a three-alarm I helped to further the flames by throwing buckets of gasoline on the building. I know I am wrong but what should I do?

Signed, Seeing Red

Dear Seeing Red,

There's nothing to get all fired up about. What you have is a neurosis; eighty seven percent of the population live with some form of  neurosis. I once treated a mountain climber who had acrophobia; a police officer who had a fear of donuts; a priest who had claustrophobia and was  forced to live in a closet. Besides that, he was assigned the confession booth.

Mr Red, I know if your pyromania is revealed, you may be fired. I also know that you are spending a lot of money on gasoline and your wife is wondering where all the money is going. I bet you can't even make love to your wife unless you light a fire first. I bet she likes to do it in the shower but how in the hell would you be able to do that?  Red, your marriage is crumbling because of your sick b.s. You are one sick, puppy, Red. You need professional help.  I dare you come over to my neighborhood to fight a fire -  I'll kick your ass, you bastard.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers - the guy who truly cares!!!!

Caught With The Pants Down!

 Dear Dan Landers,

My name is Bobe Krybant and I am a member of the Lost Angel Dust Takers.  I was in Colorado recently getting a check up for a hard-on condition, er, I mean heart condition when the beautiful nurse came in the examining room to check my pulse and found me standing stark naked on the scale weighing out my options.

I was so in bare-assed, er, I mean embarrassed that I turned all red. The nurse never seeing a black man turn red thought I was having a cardiac arrest so she alarmed the entire staff with a "Code Blue."

The next thing you know everybody got to see my personal property, in which I'm not very proud of anyway. I feel if word gets out, it would harm my image and make me look more like a two-bit dribbler than the dunk-shot titan of a man they perceive me as being. What should I do?

Signed, Caught With My Pants Down


Dear Caught,

If I were you I'd change careers. Maybe you should start playing miniature golf instead.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers 

Foot Fetish!

Dear Dan Landers, 

You gotta help me. I had been to every shrink and faith healer from here to Timbuktu and I have yet to be cured of my life-threatening foot fetish. Not only that, but it's embarrassing at times, especially when I'm at the Strip joints and I can't help myself but slip my dollar bills between the toes of the dancers.

You know, I wouldn't even know what a dancer looked like or how fine her body was or wasn't. During the whole show, I'm glued to the feet. If the dancer doesn't strip off her shoes for me, I'd get angry and make a scene. "I paid good money to see some feet," I'd tell the bouncer as he's tossing me out the door.

Oh, and I was on a date with this lovely woman with a size six and we were at the movies when I decided to get romantic. I slowly and tenderly removed her shoes and started to go down on her feet when the lights suddenly came on.

Everybody in the theater started cheering me on and my date was so embarrassed by being the center of attention that she ran out of the building. Without her shoes. I jumped up, started to go after her but tripped over her shoes and hit my head on the back of a seat. I was rushed to the hospital and in the ambulance I tried to pull the shoes off the paramedic and she got mad and had me arrested after they sewed up my head at the hospital.

Dan, I could go and on about all my misadventures but right now, I see some fine feet walking toward me and I'm getting a hard on. My big toe is really becoming swollen and I got to take care of business before I have a heart attack or something. Oh, I was married once but I got a divorce after my wife had to have four of her toes amputated because of frostbite. She wasn't the same woman I married so I divorced the toe-less bitch. I don't mean to sound cruel but you got to understand, I'm a footman and I'm thinking about moving to the foot hills but I'd probably end up with at least, one foot in the grave. I'm really frightened. How can you help me?

Signed, Dr. Scholl


Dear Scholl,

Sometimes, in life, a lesson may be learned when you allow the shoe to be on the other foot. Try it, at least for a day, and see for yourself how uncomfortable it is.

Having a fetish like yours is extremely unhealthy and a cause for much pain and suffering. It is the second biggest contributor to divorce after the laws of alimony and fifty-percent settlements were passed by Congress.

You have a neurosis and firstly, I suggest that you go buy some really stinky foot powder and the next time you're on a date, sprinkle a bit on your date's feet. After going down on her feet a few times, you'd become reconditioned and then you would probably go after the hands instead, which is more acceptable in the Western Hemisphere.  And here's another thing you could do. The next time you go to the strip joint, bring along your shoe horn. Just tell them you're horny.

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, obsessive-compulsive behavior can cause a lot of problems and become an impediment to a healthy and content life. If you have OCD, you are not alone.... Reach out! 

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Solitaire, Anyone?

Dear Dan Landers,

I have a confession to make; I'm so in love with myself that I spend a lot of money taking myself out to dinner and the movies and then if it all works out, I'd take myself to bed and then after that pass a cigarette back and forth, from my left hand to my right.

I recently met a woman who I really like but I'm afraid to get too involved with her, for fear that I'd be cheating on myself and morally, I just can't do that. . . Besides, I recently got engaged to myself and I'd hate to break it off. . .  it would upset my parents who are planning on a big wedding. What should I do?

Signed, Mr. Nar Cissist

Dear Mr. Nar Cissist,

I can sympathize with you and understand your reasons for not wanting to break off the engagement but it is something you should do if you ever want to save face with all the solo artists out there who are wishing right now, that they would have stuck it out with the band versus going out on their own.

 Or those who are in solitary confinement because they, too, thought that nobody else mattered but themselves. . . You have a disease and it's called necrophilia, oops, wrong one. . .it's called Narcissism. You are a fricking Narcissist and if you ever want to have children and make your parents proud, keep your hands to yourself, oops, remove your hands from yourself and do something else with them. . . And by the way, stay away from the reflecting pools.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Seriously, narcissism or egotism begets selfishness, carelessness and lack of compassion for others.... "Before putting yourself on a pedestal, be sure you've earned that pedestal first."

And, loneliness could be a real curse, an impediment to a happy and healthy life....If you're feeling lonely, reach out.

The Trading Traitor!!!

Dear Dan Landers,

I got a big problem and I don't know what to do about it. I have a new girlfriend, traded in my old one and I have fallen in love with her. Don't ask me how because I always thought it could not be possible.

I had gone through thirty-two girlfriends the last two years and not once did I fall in love. This time, things are different. I have been with my new girlfriend eight days already and I'm madly in love with her. I'm thinking about asking her to marry me but don't know if I could. I've heard somewhere, maybe it was on Oprah, that before a man asks a woman for her hand, he should tell her that he loves her first.

Although, I know that I'm in love with Roseanna Nicole Swift, the word Love will not come out of my mouth. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for the last four days and nothing. I stammer and stutter and then go into convulsions. Dan, do you think there's something wrong with me? What should I do?

Sincerely, Stuttering Joe

Dear Stuttering Stumbo,

It appears to me that you have been watching too many reruns of the Ozzie Osbourne Reality Show. You are becoming Ozzie. Every time you practice in front of the mirror you look like a fricking moron. That is why you're having such a problem.

First, you should comb your hair and brush your teeth. How about purchasing a little bit of make-up to cover up all those zits. When you practice in front of the mirror it is wise to look your best. And not like a member of the Living Dead or Pee Wee Herman at his bond hearing.

 Oh, and let me tell you something I hope you never, ever forget. And if you do, I'll whip your ass.

You talk of women as if they're used cars. First, you fricking recipient of the moronic plague, women aren't vehicles you test drive or trade in when you tire of them. It's no wonder to me why you have had a problem with your so-called notion of Love. You have no idea what Love means, do you? You better get your frickin' dictionary out, you frickin' idiot. If I had the time, I'd beat your ass with my wife's Chasity belt, you fricking chauvinistic pig.

Sincerely,
Dan (The Man) Landers

Ah, Memories!

Dear Abby,

I am having such a bad time lately, as my memory is not as good as it used to be. If I remember right, I used to have such good memory. But not any more.

I hate to admit it but I had forgotten that it was my wife's birthday yesterday. I was at my girlfriend's house all day and night and when I got home this morning my wife was livid. "Had you forgotten that it was my birthday yesterday," she yelled. I felt so small.

Oh, and last week I was supposed to go take the memory test for a job with the postal service. Guess what? I had forgotten about it. There's another test scheduled next week. Do you think I should jot it down on my calender?

Signed, Forgetful Fred

Dear Forgetful

As Tony Soprano would say, "Forget about it."

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers

Check Mate!!!

Dear Dan  (The Man) Landers.

I know that you are a smart dude, but I bet you didn't know that if I put a penny on the first square of a chessboard and doubled the amount of pennies on each adjacent square that after covering all the squares I'd have more money than Bill Gates. What do you say about that, hmm?

Signed, Buddy Boy!

Dear Buddy Boy,

All I have to say to you, Buddy Boy, is this: Where in the hell are you going to get a chessboard the size of Alaska?

Sincerely, Dan (The Man) Landers